No End in Sight

I have built my death bed; It is through years of effort. It is nothing simple to say the least; or profound. It simply is a matter of illusion in this illusory state like everything else.

I spent years in trying to have a deeper connection with this existence. Building naivity and connections to the self, without breaking off from the other. But all this yielded less than any use. The lesson became more pronounced, the more I tried to break away from it. Now on my death bed; I see everything which came a full circle. All knowledge and wisdom of little or no use, the love which was built upon with the beloved, destroyed - burnt down to ashes. No one remembered the good that had been bestowed by this mortal fraility like any other else. There is no immortality or grand redemption, not even the children's story/fables which pronounce the meek inheriting the heart and earth and fitting into heaven.

The age has become extremely critical, for it had been already predicted - that the time when it comes will make man surge away from inner divinity, it will break the firmest of man's resolutions to find inner solace. Inner peace, instead a void and meloncholy will arise - which will have no base and never an end. This will be replaced by the inherent greed and tecchnological play things - like all of us in and of this day and age indulge in. We are here because we have no clue where else to be, we are here to waste time and think that it is worth our while and others. But for what base or profound reason.

Such questions have prodded me since time immemorial, and the more I searched - (no, I did not get more questions); rather the lack of questions or answers. There was no response from the universe; and where there was - was some sort of sad satirical silly joke in life. Which was supposed to befit the question for the self; in disguise.

I have worked and walked, traveled and talked. Sat and peaced; now there is simply nothing else to be. I wished for anhilation and that too I know is of no consequence. This inner search would be over, the sooner it is; another will take over.

There seems to be no end of beginning in sight, probably what god of this day and age wants us to see in plain sight. Hence he/she/it runs away from us, No there seems to be no recourse than sit and wait for the self to purge.

I have lost meloncholy and hope; replaced with the irrefutable void. Washing me over again and again. No end in sight is the best I can say.

Peace

Dancing Amidst White Snow

This is awhile back, but its as fresh as anything that ever is in my head.
I travel to the hills, starting with a pit stop in chandigarh; where I pick up my friend and we await another who is traveling up north india for business. We spend some time in peace and catching up; and I personally spend these precious moments re-visiting my once peaceful home in panchkula where I stayed for more than a year. We start up early in the morning from the sector - 40 bus stop where inter state buses align continously for himachal. Our destination is a distant place called Rampur - the last stop in the shimla district (or so I remember). This is the last village also bordering with the manali district of humachal. We have a common friend up there who we are to catch up with; who will show us some nice places. The travel up is as usual, slow yet exciting; as the weather cools and the scenery beckons, we all lose our sense of tiredness and catch up less sleep and more sights and before we know it- we are in shimla. We get off and take some time off roaming the empty streets at six in the morning and refresh with some hearty hill breakfast.
We get on the next bus towards narkhanda - the highest point in the shimla region. Its a quiet destination for many a honeymooners and travelers, I personally have been there more times that I care to remember. We get off at narkhanda and head of for the HP guesthouses; where we have some light lunch and sip on mountain wine. This is where the unthinkable happens, after drinking a couple of bottles my friends and I take a walk on literally the edge of the mountain and before I know it, I fall some 10 feet down on a pile of dung. Am drunk at my stupidity and laugh uncontrollably. So do my friends, and the sense of numb pain in my left leg starts shooting up one neuron at a time in my head. It hurts real bad. I cannot put my weight on it and I have ruined my trip for myself. My friends help me get some pain killers and I rest my weight on their shoulder and we catch the next bus as we move off to our destination - some 3 hours away, the small town of rampur. Little to say, I could do nothing, I could neither go this way or that. Going back home to delhi was a distant option and I was anyway not in a mood for it. So I take my friends advice and sleep in the bus with the help of some strong painkiller in the hope that the pain and hurt would subside. It wouldnt, my leg is swollen up and it is a bad sprain - which would take atleast a month to heal/ I could tell just by looking at it. But that was not my worry; it was what I could do as a vestigial person on the trip which killed me from inside. I keep hope none the less and we reach as I open my eyes, my friends tell me that I drooled like a kid and fell over all my fellow passengers on the way, not that I care to remember.
We are greeted by our friend who has booked us a moderate hotel in the vicinity. The view is amazing, there is a small river which seperates the village of rampur from the starting of Manali district. The river is small in breadth and great in respect of the ferociousness it shows. It is clearly impossible to cross, and the locals have built a beautiful little wooden bridge to cross it. The dextirity and simple inginuity of village folks especially on hills never seems to stop amazing me. I spend the night with my friends as well as our common friend who in his best efforts tries to do hot and cold compress on my leg, all i need is some shut eye time and a lot of healing. But that is very difficult to do when you are with friends on a trip. And I am not one to crib or cringe cause of pain (atleast not all that much). My friends take a midnight stroll on the river side and the bridge as I sit on my beautiful little balcony in silent meditation looking at the fast moving body of water. There is a sense of peace in the pain none the less.

The next morning, we decide to head back, the trip has been shortened due to my condition and I am not really one to complain, the pain has not subsided and the swelling has just increased, it is impossible to put any weight on it, and I have to take my friends help or the help of some sort of support to make the simplest of steps happen - on a hill this is never a good thing. We take the bus and head back to narkhanda - the place where I got my swollen foot due to my callousness.
There is a very famous temple at the top most point of narkhanda - known as hatu devi. I have been to this temple once before and I must say, the scenery and serenity from the height is simply out of this world. There is no feeling to describe it. It is sheer delight. And we all were in deep wanting to see it once again. This was winters falling and the truck drivers who generally ply people up and down in summers were all huddled up not in any sort of inclination to take us up, they told us that the road was snowed in more than 10 feet in height not far away, but the sheer thought of mountain of snow made us want to see it even more! idiotic city folk is something that would have struck these village folk at the earliest. One of them did oblige ofcourse for a handsome price, and took us up through the narrow winding roads - made mostly for people to walk ( and not cars to drive). He stopped at a place, where there was a little lake formed besides and a thick tall mountain of snow on the road and everywhere in front. We were breathtaken; in sheer awe at the beauty and serenity of nature's pure white. It was out of the world. Simply brilliant. We all got out of the car, and took some time to sit in freezing temps. My leg was far beyond numb and I had to frequently come inside the car to refresh it a little, yet I would walk out and walk in the snow, time soon came where existence would have no meaning but snow falling on our heads and all around. And so it did! I started dancing little by little at the delight I felt in my heart, so did my dear friends. We were taken back at the beauty of this event. We had no words to ever descibe it even to each other, and only the satisfaction on our faces was the clue that something had been fulfilled. We stayed in the snow fall for over an hour and then made our way down to catch the last bus from narkhanda - which would take us all the way down to chandigarh.
I was in incredible pain throughout the journey, yet the simple dance in snow made me realize I am not the body, just the attachment to it and its sensations makes me feel that I am only the body. The pain and indeed the sensory otherworldy pleasure is enough to make me realize that true clarity and beauty was outside the realm of sense belonging. Maybe just a simple hint through the delight of senses was enough to make me see that.
The journey back was painful to say the least, i had developed a very bad stomach ache and with the pain in my leg - it was impossible to sit 8 hours in the himachal roadways bus - which drove at crazy speeds meandering down the hills. By the time I reached back to chandigarh and crashed at my friends place - I had been done over and re-made. I can still probably never forget this bus journey (like many others), I just could not sit through this one. Stomach trying to make push me into some other realms and the leg keeping me here with the pain!
The trip was not at all a success, we could not spend any time in peace and mostly because of my injury, yet the small stopover at the high point of that area had beckoned us to dance like sufi maniacs. Rejuvenated and rested our souls indeed!
Peace and dance forever~

Shri Mahavidyas : Kamala

Today is a good day; for the day is dedicated to kamala. The passive benign loving mother of this universe; who is constantly involved with sustainance. She feeds and clothes those who need; she provides love and care for those who are in its absence.

She will take care of the world and beyond; with a lovely rosary of lotus petals in her hand. Her eyes glisten and charm our dead hearts; She exudes the fragrence of the soul; her portants oh who could ever ever know?

Kamala is the tenth and final mahavidya. The energy of love. The energy of being. She is often represented as lakshmi; she has no need for 'weapons'. For her armor of love is strong enough to endure any ignorance which comes across. She needs no sacrifice; for her soul is of sacrifice; She willingly will lift up the ignorant; suckle soma to her children. Feed empathy and compassion of the self to all those who are in perennial suffering of maya.

Kamala revels in richness of this world. She is soft and loving; She is to alliviate poverty and misery; hunger and lack of love. She is the most beautiful sight in the world; almost akin to Tripura sundari but she is not virgin in her energy. This energy pervades and is not isolated *unlike the latter, she is love after all. Not virgin or otherwise; she completes the short distance between lovers to unite forever. The embrace is all consuming.

She requires not extensive worship or sacrifice; she only requires your heart (not your mind). If you love the naievness and grace of the divine feminine. If you love the divine feminine; then it is ofcourse natural that she will lift you up to her bosom to remove all misery consuming.

Her bija mantra is Eem. Her power is in every chakra (how else will any world sustain itself), hence she holds lotus and sits on one herself. Her vehicle is the mighty yet benign elephant/sometimes an owl - for lakshmi. I do not particularly see much of a difference between lakshmi and kamala. They are both the same outward representations of the symbolic powers of sustainance.

Today is vara laksmi's day. Women across pray for sustainance to mother nature/goddess. There may be difficulties and trials which she could send; she would surely provide us the strength and love to endure all such trials; making us invincible - making us bow in love and grace to our will and power of eternal lotus/kamala.

Peace and wish you all prosperous moments of goddess worship.

Judas Loves Jesus

Another look at the man who loved all (Judas and Jesus!):-

Who says Judas was a betrayer? Judas was verily a man and disciple of conviction and intent. His love for Jesus and vice versa could never be questioned. If anything he was the only saint and lover of Jesus amongst the lot. Judas and Jesus – brothers in arms. Their love for existence without par.


The others including Mary sat like stooges and listened to Jesus, prayed when he did, walked when he did and rested as he wished. But they could never see a bigger picture. The sort which jesus felt and said.
Jesus required a resurrection; for himself and the land in which he had taken birth. For himself to be redeemed he walked on land till the Indian subcontinent. He sat there next to the calm flowing Ganges at Hardwar, walked up the shivaliks with fellow lovers to the start of Himalayas. Broke bread with fellow yogis and mendicants and reduced his breathing every day to explore new horizons of consciousness.

His stay of around 12 years made him cross paths with tantriks and naths, beggars and thieves, prostitutes and businessmen. They seemed to mark within him a kind of transformation (generally initiated by Saturn in the twelfth house of one’s birth chart). He became aloof and alone; not requiring contact for extended periods. His mind became a dull vegetable as his heart expanded many times over. He was being re-made. It was time for him to return

The Jews became a decadent lot in the time Jesus had stayed away; they asked for nothing other than debauchery and Jesus could feel that every peaceful attempt of his intent to make people see the real deal was not getting any affection or regard. What was he to do? An inspiration struck; It was something which came from somewhere without perhaps.

He called Judas to his room on a dark clouded night; the moon hid behind and darkness spread its wings. Judas begged and cried to let him die; Jesus wept with his brother and embraced him; he kissed him on his head and told him; brave and patient. You will be hated. Hate will fuel you to what is fated. You shall sleep alongside I; on a bed burning with fire. This is the fire which will incinerate our deeds and remorse side by side.. Every single night.

They come up with a superb plan. Jesus will play the showman and Judas the liar. There shall be so called betrayal and Yesua will ascend the cross. There will be drama and everyone will be fooled. The commoners will weep and the lords shall stoop!

Seems delectable till this very day; where we go to the church and pray to Jesus on the cross. We NOW KNOW WHAT HE HAD TO ENDURE FOR US. It would have been the same if there had been no physical sacrifice or pain. But we would not be able to remember it that way perhaps.


Jesus slows down his breathing like taught by the hatha yogis from the east; his eyes focus on the middle of his fore head and the energy center within. He lets his body weep blood and remain on the cross; till its sore and removed by the serfs and thrown in an open grave.

Judas comes to his aid, washes him and feeds him. Kisses his feet and hands and cries over his broken body. Jesus wakes up eyes wide open – sees his perfect disciple by his side. What he has endured for eternity; only Jesus did know. Only Jesus could know.

So one was made the hero; while other the villain. Both followers of none and brothers till the end. Jesus was made god and Judas the devil. What we cannot till date see is without one the other holds NO VALUE


Peace and Love

A Great Consumer

 

A great consumer knows no bounds; has only needs; perpetual and hungry. Willing to not even fucking breathe

I am the greater grander consumer; eating up the music and nature; eating it all up in some sort of violent rage against myself and everyone else.

This applies to most of us; though we would not want to see it such; we are constantly creating economy and food; arts and passion; life over in our personal ways.

But all we are actually frigging doing is eating shitting and farting our ways every day. Its called sophistication, freaking out in some sort of mental image of ours; but this is not a very dark picture I paint; this is what all of us are.

To create requires sacrifice; you can ask mothers for that. It is not easy and definitely never as desired. But to just fucking consume the shit of this reality up is filthy; We are not making life; we are destroying it… by the way we have become to live. By buying and selling and duping not only our own species but all else.

It is disgusting, to be a consumer; where needs are not defined; not confined and not dissolved. They are just chased time and again as some sort of indulgence in finding personal identity or nirvana. This is not the time to be faint of fucking mind at the least; quantity and power of unity and diversity are being strained. Our minds are all together and yet our heart remains so far away. I hope anyone reading understands.

Let us let; silence prevail and dispel all and all needs. There is no desire or progress desired (as we choose to see it), yet everything remains the same… I know you dont believe that; so for that you must give it a try. Let yourself be dead to the world.. see what a fucking difference you made. I bet on my life , you were of no use to anyone any fucking day.

Peace. Maybe I would choose not to call listening to free music as something of being a consumer; but I cannot at any cost be indulging anything anyways. I love to listen to music and live life as a consumer, but if there is any greater or grander use/purpose that all of us are living for, that belief sounds to be rather faint if not dead.

Such Sharp Sight

 

In darkness, there is some sort of field of invisible illumination. Its enlightening the path, showing one great funny picture, one at a time. Its the visual field illumined and your sensory grandeur feeding your brain. And this feeble version of you – which is trapped inside your head, inside your brain, is living one picture at a time.

Pictures so plain, hidden out of sight, there is always more than what meets the eye. You can’t see the great joke yet, and you sure should. it makes the picture so much sharper.

I say darkness, cause the entire real existence is dark in real color and in huge quantaties across. The dark energy is going through everything, and something visual is being ‘organically’ consciously being (what to say, just being!?)

This is the great collective experience, the darkness and intermingling of this sparse conscious energy and what not, and this is all of us, gods and humans, saints and demons. What not once more.

But there is one thing I forget to tell most times, this is the play of one singular point (les) point. Your power is the sum power of here and now existence. Cause you are outside your head. The unfortunate thing is that most of us never seem to get that, maybe thats why humanity is so slow to adapt learn or experience something finer. This is all subjective and labels of the mind – I get that, but you and I cannot ignore that fact that you are more than an idea, a body or a simple linear time experience. For realizing this through the frame of individual requires very sharp sharp insight.

This is a concept, life and all that it brings, how long or indepth it lasts. Full of what not, but in between inorganic powerful energy, and a lot of other organic powerful entities maybe. Why then are we stuck to the mundane, humanity soaking in self-ish-ness of this body survival and striving none the less to kill the other body. What a fucking joke.

Sharp insight brings indepth observation to the fore. it brings attention to here and now, and all of life becomes so much more sharper, to the senses and the brain and heart and will and power itself. That enriches this entire creation, making the pictures change, to what is required. That though is really not yours and mine to concern with. That is the way, the way and end goal

Love to here and now. Its simple yet so simple to achieve yet so difficult?

In-Seperable

 

There was a storm; great thunder and roars; my tears were finally felt by something in the sky. They bathed tears down with me. Breaking me – shaking me to my core. Then no more.

I have seen cruel manifesting inside every pore of this life. I have felt the melancholy of a lonely desert rat. Left out to fend myself, I have died times over, still clinging on to a notion of survival till the end of time?

You won’t change, nothing ever does. Seemed to get better, then finally everything melts down, cause it has to. For it has to finally end, the end of good times and the drunkard illusion, everything fated and changes – to cause us to laugh and sigh

I itch from the very inside, of what I do not know. My self and soul seems to be burning; consumed with such need or I do not know what? There is wild wind all around me, and I remain calm – centred. Without the least self knowledge of what I am in the first or last places.

How can I breathe my heart out; that is always the question – for when I did, everything melted around it. Seems that the fate keeper does not want such candid emotions, such fluent ardent stirring. Maybe I am born in the wrong fated time, where love seems to hold disgust and not the sweet scent I was born to believe.

If everything around you goes the other which way; defying the way you see the world, the brain which controls your actions – thoughts will have to change. So you and I did do that, we changed in our hearts – causing no more of this desperate calm rendition to save ourselves (does it make sense – no way. for that is the centre of heart – non sense). But we cannot remain like that; can we. This too must change.

I bring forth through my life and the breadth; the very fall of consciousness; from heavens unknown to your heart – it is making it beat faster yet lose its own sense of identity ! What non sense indeed – something so sublime. Something which does not have any way of being spoken other than through love itself.

Annihilation of every dimension and separation from the moment of here and now; raising glasses this time – in silent sharp understanding of our hearts. That which is not for its own self, but to beat for its lover. This abundant everlasting now.

Why this cyclical nature to things even which cannot be explained. That we raise love and become no – things, and then return to separate and shield ourselves from ourselves – to achieve what purpose any which way?

My heart has become open; it has finally accepted its boundaries; and its own fears. It will maybe die and break away; or maybe it will go ahead and illuminate. I do not know or try to project any future, yet I believe the heart is beyond death. It feels not itself; it could know not itself. What a way to beat endlessly through all and all.

This is not about emotions or such. there is no way to show it clearly; a fog – mist perhaps in front of our brains. The visions do not fall through; yet when we choose to breathe deep and breathe in this loving non sense/ we can then truly become in-separable.

Peace