Sunday, October 20, 2013


She came into my life in blink of an eye, I certainly did not take a closer look at first glance. Already so existentially morose and given up the notion of a fresh start - a new love and life. I saw everything day and night - black and white.

She sat poised looking at me from the edges of her small beautiful eyes. She could see what all I had been, given up the world locked in a corner waiting for her gentle sighs. I gently whiffed past her presence, breathed the erotic perfume of her being; and I had to look back a second time.

Profound magical twist - primordial sensual filled with insight. The genes of our forefathers now mingle already engrossed in surreal love making without the need for a body (or two) and confused minds.

I forgot her (or tried so very hard to), left her in desolation and tried to distance my thoughts and the gentle beating of my heart. I wished so hard to remain away; so that she would not cause the eventual dismay (which I have been so used to by now)

How I wish that I would have been much braver those restless days and long nights. Her thoughts and smile haunted my soul. The anguish of separation was immense and too much to control, and I had but given up on the many who had wrecked my heart and soul. Nothing in control. Life and death - all in the palm of her hand. How I now know.

She came and spoke her free heart to my grave mind. I was expecting the same rigmarole. The ups and downs of conversations without any heart and meaning - how I was proved wrong!
She looked through to my eyes touched my hands; and spoke on the things which had hurt me beyond repair. She looked with utmost concern and then looked away; as if she had suffered the same pangs herself.
Soon I was not able to breathe without looking once in a day at her dreamy eyes, her suave stance, her compassionate sweet sing song voice. I couldn't go through the magical insight so profound now provided to me by mother goddess during the nine nights of revelation and awakening.

Where hence you have come, where hence you shall pay me back - for the moments which seemed eternal but never could last. Time swooped in and separated our love of each other and life.
There is profound magical insight, the kind which spirals into the mind. There is no will or need other than thine. She left me as quickly as she found me, left me to fend my feebler mind. Not going to happen. I dug a grave and wished at last to rest; to die.
It has been over ten years, and my nerves have become tired. I tried to end myself and left my mind somewhere in the abyss. A technical vegetable – not interested in the day to day course of furthering my fucking shit life. I took to drink and abuse; of my body and self. For what is the use of saving oneself – when all god wants is for me to waste away. 
I looked nowhere for her, didn't make a difference for after all the eventual goal been reached. There was no other stone left to be upturned. Everything is now done and done over with. I rested my weary head finally. My life already stolen. My death denied. Limbo the only thing I am left with breathing weariness one sigh at a time. 
I was sitting contemplating my end, so soon to arrive. Sitting pondering near the lake side. Water rippling away gently and draining out life. She who built me with her eyes, destroyed me and walked aside - saw her sitting the other side; looking at me. I was surprised. Jumped a heartbeat and then wished to jump and drown where I stand. 
She walked to me, and I sat weeping at my unfortunate life - the one; one whom loves. Is the one who creates pain. I looked her square; wishing to settle why she has come to destroy the carcass of burden.
She stood tall; while I sat at her feet. Nothing mattered other than the moments which stood still. The sky shook, like wind blowing fiercely through her hair. Her eyes smaller than ever - shed a tear and it disappeared as soon as it poured. Resting the palm of her hand on my broken head. She said what needed to be said. 
You have not died my dear love. 
No I have not.....
You have lived past the misery I brought
No I have not...
You have survived my dead thoughts 
If only you knew how you killed me.
How did I do that
By spitting out the left over of my heart. 
I ran for I knew your pain would inflict me
I stayed for I knew that you would run away. For fear captive in your heart and true love you always kept at bay.
How did you realize what it is that I meant to be, 
How did you see what I could never see. 
There was once longing intensity - power and feeling. Love which needn't be. 
Nothing now remains except broken shells - broken battered and bane. 


 Peace and Love 

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