Bitter Pill

One fine day I realize it, that the world wasn't the way i saw it. It was indeed different, it was I who changed, to make this a bitter pill - all for myself. Thought myself to be way good, for anything or anyone and felt that the world would follow my, my, my order. Well it didn't and there it all lies in front of me now, my life in shambles. 

No one who would care, No one who would understand.. I never thought they could and I proved them all right. Left all to myself I sank deeper into the never ending abyss of rage i dug for myself. These who are not worth it, I believed; worth living. How could they live more? I stank of putrid stench. Something not worth it was only I. Something never taken care of by its creator, how could it ever survive. 

God abandons, So does your love. So does your memory and all you are left with is that bitterness, life came and went and I thought i was too good for what was it. I only thought of myself, even in a crowd. Even with the moon blaze on my face aloud. I was proved wrong, this world and its wretched crowd, taught me a lesson worth remembering. That when the chips are down, not another shall come to your rescue. All are in the grand illusion like myself; that the truth is within your reach and no one' elses. That all your joy of grandeur shall last immortal... how childish. How naieve. The world has taught me how to be meek, to be conscientess, how to greed, how to think only of myself and then i put on a robe that i know better than everyone other than me. How fatal!

I sang my hyms, drank my ego down over and over again and still couldnt fathom what was happening. That my demise one step at a time was at hand, i was still sure it was the world which would bend to my finger and not the way around, How conceited it all is now in retrospect. 

I thought that i could salvate myself, and that i would leave the score of worthless life everywhere to their natural demise. How i was blessed, and one crash and many falls later I still couldn't imagine otherwise. 

The natural order in chaos is destruction, and how i wish it for myself foremost, followed by everyone who may or may not deserve it. All i can say is, that banish arrogance or you will be swallowed whole. That humble yourself like the servant that you are. Then life will be unselfish enough to give you a clean death. Something most cannot get. ever. 

What happens when we try to find something good, but only for ourselves, the dynamics of it all... when we search for one optimal choice we want / choose for our future, we are neglecting many others and of course choosing one experience over others gives back to a new universe of simultaneous realities. For your happiness, you hurt others, they curse you and it comes back to you in the future, in the same measure. Always. A more noble / wise way (why not?- i am after all changing my conceited ways) is to choose and implement good for all. its definitely more of a task, look at where it got our lover jesus to, but that way you can atleast predict the future, that no bad to you or anyone else can ever come through karma, you are working for universal good. Its not an abstract concept, its just the ability to do as one chooses right. Its a moment to moment sponataneus adaptability towards what life ought to have been, one forever. So its not being one with your lover or your guru or your god. Its one and loving everyone to the extent unimaginable. Something to think about when I was being so arrogant with the universe. Shes wise and shes constant and she always teaches me the way forward>> natural progression in evolution. But i do have something to share, when the world goes down in flames; it won't be you or I who will get saved, it will be either all other none. Make your choice. You wanna carry the boat to the other side towards ever present life. I have made mine. No life without all. I apologize to the mother (of this... existence) once more towards "my" ego. Banish it, forget it. Please let it disintigrate till life builds upon itself within this body, and that this body and life source be used for good towards everyone and every single thing. 

Bam Bole Natha.