N rose from the only furniture he owned; his leather recliner. He rose only to fall again.
Rain had poured all through the day leaving everything outside damp and renewed, yet lifeless and cold. The window had been left open on purpose. To see as if something would invite itself in, Yet even the rain drops had chosen to stay away. There was something more lifeless it seemed within the four walls of N’s home.
It wasn’t his home or abode; it was more his tomb than his shrine. His thoughts mildewed inside his head, thought of piquing some which way through his tongue, yet dissolved themselves finally in the recesses of his emptiness.
Sunset caused the entire city to be sunk in golden light, outside couples and families enjoyed the first sight of the sun in oh so many days, yet N’s study was as ever before, a damp yellow lamp lit day and night in a corner, books and notes in another; the pipe breathing and exhaling smoke irrespective of any other.
N chose not to be a thinker, nor to be a seer or one who indulged in feelings. His mind rose in chaotic waves due to years of solitude which sometimes has the opposite effect in beings for some odd reason. His heart trampled by one two many women in his youth, his thinking befuddled by one two many tricksters who tried to teach him the way to the soul.
Yet N remained without remorse. This one true gift he appeared to have been showered by the gods. He picked on his nose, and felt his hair falling every time he ran his hands past his scalp. He was confident about his end, this one true opportunity of life he had never wanted to give himself up on. To some trick of fate or some trickery of man or god.
N rose once more, he balanced himself on the ledge of his window, and though his dexterity was impaired by his age, he somehow managed to step one leg at a time on the ledge. The ledge offered itself up to the back channels from the river sien, He looked at the cool and calm day and the many such days which had passed in his life. Thoughts virile and turbulent shuddered once again his nimble frame. He had had enough of himself this life and for many more. He had enough of the ego centricity that living beings extend themselves through and through their entire waking and dreaming cycle. He had but one final pending thought waiting to fire through the neurons of his head; that there was never any choice. All actions and potential extended through his life lead to this point on the ledge. Yes the ledge had called him as he had called forth the umpteen thoughts baseless and useless all his life; and as the this thought subsided one more rose; that the thought itself was of no use, neither was any action he was about to indulge himself in..
Almost as the thought registered and recognized itself in N’s being, he jumped. The jump would have been ordinary and normal and utterly without beauty to anyone in any ordinary circumstance, yet to N, it was an experience first time like never ever before.
Peace
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